Not Paranormal but on a personal level.

[Claire Nichols]

I guess I have been doing a lot of thinking here lately. Sometimes it is a good thing, and sometimes it just gets me into trouble. But this time, I am laying it out on the table, I want you to know how I am truly feeling without any hesitation. Without the white lies, without the "I am afraid to hurt someone's feelings", without strings attached.

Since my grandmother's death in 2007, I have been a wreck emotionally. I know it has been two years ago, but the pain still lives within. Not knowing if she is with me, if she watches over landon, does she help me through out the day? Does she miss me? Does she remember me? How am I going to be a rock when I am just hiding how I truly feel? My grandma and I were very close, we did everything together... she would sew things together while I played with my barbie dolls or my polly pockets. The last time I seen her, it was on Sunday. I was pissed about something she said at dinner and I didn't talk to her Monday because I was pissed. Then on Tuesday while I am at work, I was told she was in the hospital... then it went to she had a stroke and she can't breathe on her own. She had 0% of breathing on her own... all that was keeping her alive was a tube connected to a machine. Who would want a grandmother like that? But I suppose it would be better than nothing at all... which is what I have. I said my goodbyes, I love yous, and watched her die... right in front of my eyes. I watched my great grandmother die in the room and now my grandma.. my rock, my best friend, my everything. She is missed and loved dearly.

So with her gone, I decided I wanted to pursue finding her... hoping I could just talk to her one more time which has lead me into some horrible people, but also some great ones. I have met some of the most incredible people and I cherish their friendship more than anything. One of them is my best friend, Nick. Him and I talk all the time and I know Ben enjoys his friendship as well. We are all friends and what makes it almost freaky is Nick can tell when Ben or I are upset... instantly... that jerk. But not only that, we have an honest friendship... he can tell me anything without hurting my feelings and vice versa. Jeremiah is so level headed and has been by my side since everything happened that I absolutely love him... not in that way though, of course! And being a part of PRI has helped me bring back my fun side... bring out who I am. I missed who I was and thanks to everyone, I can finially be who I am. Thank you everyone for your help.

I am really looking for a change in my life, I really need one. I am tired of working in assembling... I can do more than that. I feel like I am not challenging myself to be what I can be but I am stuck in this shit hole. We can't even get a car (yet, until our rebate check comes in) so how in the hell am I and Ben going to go to school? I want Ben to better himself before I focus on myself, it is time for Ben to better his life and do something he can enjoy. Hopefully Nick can help me out still (if he wants too) and get me a job at the VA in Topeka. Ben and I want to be closer to Nick because he is our friend, some one we can call family. It is time for a change, and hopefully Nick and Stefanie (Nick's wife) can help us with this. Everybody's help is always nice, it sucks doing it by yourself.

I didnt mean to bog anyone down, but there are some things I needed to get off my chest... a lot of things I have been feeling and bottling up inside and never sharing it. I am horrible about expressing how I truly feel without giving you the go around... and now here it is... typed out and out in front of you. Will I be vulenerable? No, because now that I have typed these things out... I feel like I can go on with my life. Go on without my grandma? I will have too... I don't like it but tough shit.. I have to do it. I am just hoping one day I will find her/ see her/ feel her/ anything! God, I will take anything I can get... but I wish I could see and have a conversation with her... but we can't always get what we want.




-Claire-

[Sherry]

My grandma and I were really close too, she passed when I was sixteen, and I spent alot f time keeping her company and taking my turn with the rest of the family taking care of her in her last months. There were times toward the end when she would look up with clear recognition and welcome and talk to my grandpa (who had already passed), just like he had walked in the room. I always believed she did see him. I guess my belief in spirits started there. The last thing she said was to him, something like I am ready now and she spoke his name.

But it was after my dad died a couple of years ago that I started looking for answers about what really happens to us after death, and for much the same reasons that you did Claire. I guess part of me was hoping I would get to talk to him one more time too. Not long before he passed, I was doing my laundry and thinking about him, and feeling really sad that I couldn't be with him more, because he was over 500 miles away. We were traveling back and forth as often as we could to help my mom and be there with them as much as possible, but we couldn't stay for more han a couple days at a time. Suddenly I got the sensaion of his arm around my shoulders giving me a hug, and in my mind I heard him tell me that eveything was going to be ok. It felt so real but I turned and there was no one there. But I feel like somehow, my dad, reached out to comfort me. I miss him too.

I guess we all been pursuing our paths as best we can, and sometimes we can be misled but I am glad that you have found such good friends, they are more precious than gold don't ever let them go!

I'm so excited that you might move to Topeka! That's like only a 1 hour away from here-Woo! Hooo!

Sherry